he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
