we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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