I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
