i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
