The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
