I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
