He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
