at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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