normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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