Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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