I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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