It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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