Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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