hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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