It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
