And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
