when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
