I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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