Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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