The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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