I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
