MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
