i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
