Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
