If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
