just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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