If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
