Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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