you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
