I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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