The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
