U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
