sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
