Swine flu is the new snow day.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
