...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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