so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
