I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
