Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
