When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
