Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
