We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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