I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
