Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
