I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
