i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
