what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize