hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
