btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
