Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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