im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize