I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
