this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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