hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
