i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
