Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
