now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
